Bite the Bullet

You Know...

2009-04-12T22:02:44Z

You know, I stopped posting on this LJ because both K and my ex-best friend S could read it. Instead, this has been my lurking LJ. I'm not well acquainted with LJ's controls and I noticed I was kicked out of a community for one reason or another. I did some research and noticed that both K and S have stopped being my friends on LJ so for however long, even if I did post on here, I could have just Friends-Only'ed it and they wouldn't have been able to read. Now if someone could tell me how to remove friends, that'd be wonderful as well.

Long While, huh?

2005-03-31T21:57:19Z

Well it's been a long while and it didn't get until Brookie was to remind me I had an LJ that I came by to post. Nothing's really been new, but I've just lost the motivation to keep on typing. Keep on chugging and whatnot. Things are going decently although some weird stuff's been happening. No no, nothing like black auras or blue electricity, but just weird stuff. I don't know. My leg's been acting up lately and it's been stopping me from working out too much in ROTC. ROTC's been slow moving because I've gotten pretty fed up with some of the people in the class who are passing with decent grades and do nothing. No work whatsoever. I think the teachers aren't harsh enough. Then again I've never really had the lowest of standards for people. Maybe I'm expecting too much... to have homework on occasion... tests... something anything before I go insane. ROTC is having a Military Ball on 06 May 05 and it's required for me to go apparently or I get a zero for the semester. Fun stuff eh? I don't want to go alone, but that's probably going to be the way it goes as I don't really feel like asking anyone in particular. Military Ball... and Parade. We have a parade drill to march on April whatever so I'd have to tell SiFu that I can't go help him teach.

Yeah if I didn't mention, I help SiFu teach... not really teach... I just sit there and make sure the kids don't beat each other up so I guess I just supervise. Eh, he's cool about it. SiFu just has way too many sugar-hyped kids running around and needs someone to yell from ten to three everyday. Hah. Shaolin's been pretty slow. Same old same old. I still suck. My mom still doesn't like me going back to Tae Kwon Do now that I've joined a Chinese martial art. I did see this really interest place the other day. It opened up in the supercenter like right next to my house. I didn't even realize... it's like GKR Karate. I laughed because that place was so white... but rich. They had their own personalize gear, they had showers in the restrooms. The restrooms were cleaned by janitors and they had two training rooms so they could have two classes at one time. Play room for the toddlers too. It got me thinking what the world of martial arts has been reduced to... I don't see somewhere to train as somewhere to play... and that place just looked like a day care.

I've been working on a Computer Science project for a while now. About six or seven weeks and I restarted all my programs, like wiped clean the slate about two days after I got back from Spring Break. I just didn't like the way I coded stuff and so I had to take a different route. In five days, I finished all that I did in six weeks and finished the game itself. It's Mario and it's fun. I have my own little version thingie of it all. I'm hoping that I could just use that next year because I think I'm going to get stuck with President next year. That's a lot of work... I just don't know if I want the other candidate to be president. I want to be executive because executives do like... nothing. Right, so the project... it's almost done. I just have to add a reset method and all that extra pretty stuff. I might do a little splash image. I have a splash screen, just not a splash image. That should be fun. That's basically the gist of what's been happening. All in all, it's been pretty boring. I just can't wait until school lets out so I can... well start Summer School I suppose. I still need to sign up for that but I keep forgetting. I hope I don't pass up the deadline because then I won't graduate (and that's bad). Anyways, I'm going to get going because apparently W&D has been revamped and no one told me about it. Yeah and I'm going to go watch Kung Fu Hustle now that it'll play.

And it all goes wrong again

2005-01-08T06:57:47Z

I guess I should have expected this right? I don't know. I've recognized I've done something so very wrong, but haven't told my girlfriend of what happened. What did happen was I wrote that e-mail breaking up with her then five minutes after I get offline, she gets on. I call her and we talk... we talk about what's been happening and why it's been happening and we apologized but weren't really... well I wasn't clear on what was happening. I asked if she wanted to just be friends and she told me she didn't know. I asked what she wanted and she told me she didn't know. I didn't know what was going on, but the next day I had to go to K's place. Yeah not fun. I don't know. I went there and did something dumb. I managed to stop myself briefly but you know my thing for K's been pretty long running for now. I don't know what I feel for her but it's just weird and undefined. I'd like to know what I'm feeling but you know K's a little... hot and cold. I don't know how to get through to her and I'm not so sure anymore if I want to.

After I went to K's place we didn't talk again. Yes, yet again. Now I scheduled a double date or whatever, just a movie outing on Sunday and I told her to call me but she didn't. I don't know. I'm going to try and forget her. I have to try and forget. I'm not sure I know how. I just feel- well I feel awful. I feel odd. I feel... I don't know what I feel. I feel like I'm going to implode, like my brain's going to break, like my heart's going to burst. I can't just sit here letting the girl walk all over me, play me. I let girls do that far too often. I know that she has me wrapped around her finger... then again it's not that hard. I'm easily whipped once I'm attached to a girl. It's so awful. At one point, I was willing to find an apartment for she and I to live in because she wanted to move out, but she changed her mind when her mother wouldn't pay for her college. I was seriously thinking about it. See how bad it was? I would've done it too!

I can't talk to her anymore. Her name's off my buddylist so I don't have to see her anymore. I'm going to stop hanging out at Mountasia for fear that I'll see her and it'll tear me in two again. I get too easily whipped. You see this? Any girl could whip me. That's why they all run all over me. I'm not going to see the movies with her on Sunday. I'm cancelling with Marty and Holly and apologizing to them. I guess I wasted their time hoping that K would find some interest in me when I know that's not possible. Anyways, I have a big computer science contest tomorrow so wish me well. It's at JV High but I'm hoping to leave early to be able to go to Shaolin. It restarts tomorrow (I think) although I'm not so sure. I don't remember the date they had set. Regardless, I'm pretty tired of girls. I love them to death. All kinds of girls. They're all great, but... I feel I'm unlovable by a girl's standards. It's awful... anyways, contest tomorrow. Again with the luck. I feel as if I may need it.

Until the day I die... they're just going to walk all over me... kick around the powder remnants of my heart... and leave me when they're done with me.

Fun Stuff

2004-12-29T04:33:37Z

So I stayed at Jo's again and also went to the dentist. It was pretty uneventful and we went to see Ocean's twelve. It was pretty fun because after the movie while the credits were rolling I straddled Jo and my friend Sandra was right next to us yelling at us for making a scene. We also went to the Galleria among other places. Everyone's playing Tekken 5. There's a massive line behind it everywhere and it bothered me when this guy at the Tilt over at Memorial City had Tekken moves printed out in this nice little packet and stapled and everything. That bothered me so much. Why does anyone print out a packet full of moves? Why not memorize it? For the love of Christ just memorize it! Everyone at the DDR station sure as hell does it! Anyway we're sitting in the car and I notice (finally) the Lost in Space album and found out that Lost in Space wasn't the only Aimee Mann song that Jo had. Guess what song she also had? Pavlov's Bell. It's one of those songs that hearing it really brings back good times. Two years doesn't seem like too long ago yet it really seems like quite a while... oh yeah and my girlfriend's cheating on me. I sort of had this nice little revelation thinking about it. Then it popped in my head that she may be cheating on me and it made a lot of sense, from the apathy she's been showing to me, to the fact that she's never around. How she never picks up her phone and after I call she turns off her damn phone. Every time I call. Am I a bad girlfriend? Eh... it happens I guess.

I seem to have quite a thing for dating girls over eighteen that cheat on me. It's like... a written rule. It's a qualification to date me I suppose. I have this inability to find a good or decent girlfriend but I guess that really is just the way it goes. For Christmas I got a CD Player. It was really cold and we finally got snow for the first time in my life. I wanted snow a long time ago and I guess Santa Claus is a few years late on my wish list. Um I'm beginning to really loathe the female race and I'm wondering if there's anyone that's good enough of a person that's really willing to deal with me. I don't know if there is. Anyway, I have a dentist appointment tomorrow to fill up my teeth. Oh yay... yeah I've now made the decision that I hate all medical professionals as a general whole. School should be starting up again soon and I'm not really looking foreward to it. I really would like a car and a job now but I doubt that's going to happen seeing as I need a job for my car and need a car to get to my job. It's one of those circular things. I don't really think there's much of an update atop any of this except oh yay I bought myself some new pants finally. That's basically it so I'm just going to get going.

Rough Holidays I guess

2004-12-21T16:11:22Z

Ok so I'm sitting here having some fun and talking to my friends online. This was of course the events from last night and I'm just now bringing myself to rant about them. That is what I do here after all: rant, rave, bitch, scream, and complain. I'm sure that's what this journal is here for aside from documenting the many pointless events that happened in my life because I have the memory span of a cenile goldfish. Anyhow, I was talking to someone who will be remained nameless because I'm upset with her right now, but I'm not going to dispose the name just for dignity's sake. This person happened to be talking about one of my dear friends on FF. The few that I feel like I've made. Calling this dear friend a bimbo or implying that she was a bimbo and I stopped her right there and told her that this friend was 'my girl' meaning that no one was going to mess with her especially not behind her back. She blows me off like yeah whatever which is one thing that's bothering me about her demeanor which I will get to in the next paragraph, but she whatever's me and we go at it. She looks down upon me because Eden is about my twenty sixth? girlfriend. She says I'm only sixteen and something about how by the time I'm fifty I'll have dated the six point five billion people on this planet. All of them.

Ok I think I'm generally enough done with that part of the issue. The next is how I was trying to have a political conversation with this girl and she tells me "Oh what do you know, you're friends with Jimmy." Jimmy is someone who is very Republican and very conservative. I asked if she thought I was brainwashed by Jimmy. She didn't even ask for my opinions on the political status of America at this moment but jumped to the conclusion that I was a yuppie that was just going to listen to whatever anyone said without thinking or questioning it. Wrong much? I ask her if she even knows about my points of view and she says fine and lets me talk. I tell her that I am anti-war, this and that, etc etc and basically end up siding with her on political views. Then she says I sit on the fence because before I said I was going to play devil's advocate and fight for the underdog for a moment whether I believed in it or not. She called me a flip flopper because of that. Every time I disproved her theories and ideas with actual fact, she'd stop talking for about seven minutes and say 'Whatever.' If that's the best you can come up with, don't start a political conversation with me. I may be sixteen but I'm not politically arrogant, you dolt.

While I'm at it, yes, let's talk about the status of America at this moment. Eight days ago was the anniversary to the Rape of Nanking, a bloody and disgusting massacre laid upon by the Japanese on Chinese grounds in 1937. Also yesterday was the funeral for one Lawrence O'Conner Clancy. He was a freshman at my school and he was killed down the street from me at a four way stop sign. A four way stop sign. He was killed by a car... at a four way stop sign. I don't understand that. I don't understand how people can just run a stop sign especially if there's a kid right in front of you. There's no way of miscalculating this. Was it on purpose? I don't understand at all! Someone explain this to me. Explain to my naive, politically oblivious (apparently) self how this world works. Anyways I know the 'changes' that are going through the new presidency and personally I'm glad there's change... I'm just not sure if I'm glad for the better or worse. That just means Barack Obama (Whoo he'd better campaign for 08 because I know Giuliani's going to make it for republican) is going to have to bust his ass fixing everything Bush fucked up.

I'm glad to see Rumsfeld go actually. I don't think he does any good for any of us. I think that England, the SecNav needs to go but that's because I have a personal thing against him. I think Roche should be welcomed to stay even though he's not helping... he's not hurting so I'm not going to go at him. Richard B. Meyers, the Chairman of Joint Chief of Staff... I don't like him at all and I think he should burn in hell but that's far from the point. I just think that America is in ruin, in peril, however you want to put it. I'm really hating the sight of George Bush and it's making me want to throw up. I have reason to hate him. It's not just because he's a homosexual like this person who will remained unnamed will claim. Yeah she actually said 'Well of course you hate Bush, your gay.' Yeah real good reason. Thanks. I hate Bush because he's approved every spending bill that's been put on the table which makes me think that he has no idea what these big words mean so he's just going to say yes to them. I don't agree with his foreign policy and his idea that he can barge in any time he wants. You know there were reasons laws were put up and it protects everyone even terrorists because they're still human and they still have rights. I don't believe in Bush's ideas that church and state should be one in the same. This is a democracy, not a theocracy nor a mobocracy as Bush likes to make it.

As for the state of the world? I'm still questioning how a whole bunker full of weaponry can just poof out of the blue disappear in the middle of Middle Eastern territory. It's a freakin' desert. Awww did the big sandman scare the widdle soljahs? Boo hoo. That's millions of bucks down the drain and all the terrorists had to do was take it. I swear, the world's handing this stuff to them on a silver platter saying 'here you go' and encouraging them to fuck us over. Anyways I'm tired of looking at Katie's screen name and I'm tired of having people jump to conclusions about who I am just by stereotype. I'm fed up with the state in which our country is left in. I'm exhausted by the irritation that is life. I am through with people talking crap about people I am slowly beginning to care about. I am done with staring at the screen name of someone who should mean nothing to me but for some reason doesn't. I'm just done. Stick a fork in me. Oh yeah and I'm completely done with Angel. The more I say it maybe the more it'll be true. I'm getting sleepy and apparently I'm getting cranky so it's best I go.

Happy Holidays

2004-12-19T05:34:19Z

Well I've been swamped by finals and everything. Every single final has successfully molested me and I feel that my grades and GPA has thoroughly been thrown into the gutter. On a lighter note, things are finally looking up for my life and I'm glad for that even if my educational life is paying the metaphoric price. There's nothing I can do about that because there other things I need to look to. Priorities. Also I'm graduating early so that means I'm going to have to pass the World Geography Credit By Exam with an A or else I'm doomed to pay five hundred dollars for the Summer in Summer School and correspondence courses.

What else is new, lets see shall we? Um nothing really apart from the thought that the holidays are finally here. It's about time especially in the thought that the second semester is finally here. I'm glad I get another semi-fresh start on the year. When I get back, I'll only have two semesters to look to. I'm dropping all of my Gifted&Talented/Accelerated classes and moving to normal regular level classes to make my senior year that much easier. I understand it may lower my GPA but I doubt it matters at this point. I'm not going to graduate on the minimum plan anyway. I have to take two Credit By Exams and pass both of them with As to make this work. We'll have to see... we'll just have to see.

As for other ends of my life, it's rather boring. My friend Jo and I have been reeking havoc on the town and sort of talking about future plans in our lives. We're making lists for Christmas presents and I really need the money from Sadina to get the box set for Jo... I don't know anyways I know this is short and I usually write long posts in my journal the few times I actually post, but I'm going ot leave it at this because there are specific things that are 'new' that I really refuse to dispose even on a journal.

Cas wants me to post.

2004-11-24T15:14:43Z

Casandra wants me to post more. I don't think she realizes that before I dated Katie I posted daily. lol It's ok though. I'll try to remember to post. Just for her. I don't really know what else is new. Nothing really. I'm probably going to have to break up with my current girlfriend. This isn't working out. She's very distant and doesn't talk a lot. She's clammed up and I know why but I don't get updated about the situation. Sadly enough she hasn't really said anything about her feelings if any towards me so I'm really just teetering on the edge of breaking up with her. I don't want a repeat of Gen. No one does. We all know what happened right? I got too involved when she wasn't involved with me at all and it broke my heart.

What else is new? Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving is coming up and this is the first year ever that I'm not going to Ahm's house. Don't ask about the name. It's basically a styling of "aunt" in Chinese. I'll just say my Aunt... the background to that is sort of that my Aunt and my family sort of had a falling out. See my dad as we all know... he's not a great guy. His brother is my Aunt's husband. My dad's family, they all have something wrong with them. There's three brothers. One's mentally insane, one's abusive and alcoholic and another one's infidelities rival that of Katie's. GASP Yeah I said it. That's right. Anyways the unfaithful guy is my Uncle and he and my Aunt split. She pinned it against us and my father. Because my father's unemployed we don't have a lot of money. My Aunt's thinking that we're going to steal her money. She has a decent amount of wealth. She's in the upper class while we're in the lower middle class. The stark contrast is evident.

Also this Saturday we went to trade fair. It's this thing where everyone meets up from the different companies sponsored by Junior Achievement. JA (Junior Achievement) let us start up a company off of their community oriented and serving program. We get to sell something and that's what we did at Trade Fair. I got upset because one of the consultants, the parent supervisors that watch over the company yelled at me. What happened was there's only supposed to be four people working the booth at a single time and one of my friends from a different company walks up to me and tells me that there's seven people working in my booth! I'm the vice president of Production... decently higher up in the food chain and there wasn't anyone else higher than me in the booth so I had to go tell a few people to buzz off. Edwin's mother, the consultant was in the boot had not doing anything about it.

Edwin and his brother Eli were in there along with some guy. I kicked him out then told Edwin and Eli to leave. Eli left and understood but Edwin was giving me a hard time, talking back to me and everything. Then her mother comes up to me and asks me if I was on shift then. I said no and she told me to get the hell out because I shouldn't be here. I said I'd get out as soon as there were the right amount of people in there. She cut me off and said "Leave now" I tried to explain again and she said "I don't like the way you're talking to me." I said I was responding to the way she was speaking to me but she cut me off again and told me she didn't like my attitude and that she was going to tell my mom. Wtf? Go right on ahead my mother hates your ass anyway. So I tell my mother what happens and she laughs. She was like "What's she expect me to do about it? Spank you?" Anyway it was just pretty horrific is all. I didn't really like sticking around there especially with Edwin's mother.

In the end we managed to steal third place in best sales. We only sold three hundred and fifty one bucks but it's three times more than others... then again it's five times less than Magnolia who sold one thousand five hundred and twenty six dollars worth... it was insane. They were first place obviously. It was because they sold like twenty five dollar items and ours were a buck. Painful huh? Yep do the math. They sell one item, we have to sell twenty five. Also I'm not looking foreward to the paperwork I have to do next next Saturday. This Saturday I'll have Kung Fu and I'll be working on my physics project which isn't really that bad. It's this trebuchet catapult we have to do. It just takes a lot of time is all. I'm going to Joelle's and we're going to work on it together... then launch some kind of food projectile at her father lol because he always makes fun of my height. I'm five feet tall and there's nothing I can do about it! He's over six feet! That's not fair!

I'm really enjoying this no school thing. It's very nice by the way... I hope Eden gets on so I can plead to her to get online tonight and I could... like yell at her... for... I mean if she can't open up to me about something that doesn't involve us, I'm worried about the things she keeps from me that DOES involve us y'know? We'll see. I'm just going to get going. There's someone in my bedroom getting grouchy.

So bored.

2004-11-24T09:36:52Z

THREE NAMES YOU GO BY:
1. Maxi
2. 'D'
3. Tze-Ting (Oh lord don't ask don't ask)

THREE SCREEN NAMES YOU HAVE HAD:
1. A Coin In Grey
2. Sweet Violence
3. Biokinetically

THREE PARTS OF YOUR HERITAGE:
1. Chinese
2. Taiwanese
3. Japanese (And yeah that is IT)

THREE THINGS YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND:
1. Why I always fall for the bad ones, the straight ones, the amoral ones...
2. Why what you want is always something or anything you can't have.
3. Quoting the great Nath - "Straight people :P"

THREE THINGS THAT ANNOY YOU:
1. Homophobes
2. Republicans
3. Cheaters

THREE THINGS THAT SCARE YOU:
1. Life
2. Love
3. Loss

THREE OF YOUR EVERYDAY ESSENTIALS:
1. Martial Arts
2. Love
3. Air?

THREE THINGS YOU ARE WEARING RIGHT NOW:
1. Prayer Beads
2. Tank
3. Mesh pants

THREE THINGS ON YOUR DESK:
1. Tapioca!
2. Cell
3. A stick o' Charcoal

THREE THINGS YOU SAY THE MOST:
1. Indeed
2. Clearly
3. Riiiight

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE BANDS AT THE MOMENT:
1. X Japan
2. Ani DiFranco
3. Dir En Grey

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITES SONGS AT THE MOMENT:
1. "Beloved Wife" ~ Natalie Merchant
2. "Baroque" ~ Malice Mizer
3. "Ain't Afraid to Die" ~ Dir En Grey

THREE PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME WITH:
1. Joelle
2. DanDan :)
3. Emi Bear you sexy beast you'll be mine again someday. ;)

THREE THINGS YOU LIKE ABOUT YOUR CLOSE FRIENDS:
1. They're openminded democrats who don't judge me and talk behind my back.
2. They don't care about trivial things that pertain to me or about me.
3. They know I'm a dork and live with it.

THREE THINGS YOU WOULD WANT IN A RELATIONSHIP:
1. Love
2. Intensity
3. Comfort

THREE THINGS ABOUT THE OPPOSITE/SAME SEX THAT APPEAL TO YOU:
1. Eyes
2. Small of the back
3. Neck

THREE THINGS YOU CAN'T DO:
1. Hit a girl seriously
2. Give up
3. Stop living

THREE OF YOUR FAVORITE HOBBIES:
1. Martial Arts
2. Piano
3. Random stuff that occupies time (Rock Climbing, Aggressive Inline, etc)

THREE THINGS YOU WANT REALLY BAD RIGHT NOW:
1. The love of my life. Right now.
2. To get out of this place... away from this place.
3. Any type form sense or slight bit of happiness.

THREE CAREERS YOU'RE CONSIDERING:
1. Computer Programmer
2. Soldier
3. Comic Book Artist

THREE PLACES YOU WOULD GO ON VACATION:
1. Belgium (HAHAHA)
2. Taiwan
3. Japan

THREE THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE:
1. Love and be loved.
2. Change/save a life.
3. Break my compulsions.

I AM: Painfully bored.
I WANT: ... ramen.
I HAVE: The worst migraine. Ever.
I WISH: Life were easy.
I HATE: Life.
I FEAR: Mr. Moore's Wrathy Pre-Calculus Doom.
I HEAR: Melissa Etheridge playing on my CD player.
I WONDER: If love is just a myth.
I REGRET: Ever having dated... at all.
I LOVE: ...
I ACHE: Everywhere. All the time.
I ALWAYS: Injured somehow.
I AM NOT: a pushover.
I DANCE: to music?
I SING: Never.
I CRY: Never.
I AM NOT ALWAYS: Sane.
I WRITE: Too often.
I WIN: Too often.
I LOSE: Never.... ha.
I CONFUSE: Myself
I NEED: To be shot and burn in hell.
I SHOULD: Be shot and burn in hell.
-----------------------------

YES or NO:
x. YOU KEEP A DIARY: Technically this is a diary...
x. LIKE TO COOK: Of course.
x. YOU HAVE A SECRET YOU HAVE NOT SHARED WITH ANYONE: Oh please I tell Shirley ever passing thought in my mind.
x. YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE: ... I'm not so sure anymore.

DO YOU...?
HAVE A CRUSH: When do I not?
WANT TO GET MARRIED: I guess. It really depends.
GET MOTION SICKNESS: Never.
THINK YOURE A HEALTH FREAK: Probably.
GET ALONG WITH YOUR PARENTS: Never
LIKE THUNDERSTORMS: Love them.
-----------------------------

CURRENT
HAIR COLOR: Black
EYE COLOR: Black
HEIGHT: 5'0" (Sad, ne?)
BIRTHPLACE: Houston, TX (Sad, ne?)
-----------------------------

FAVORITE
NUMBER: 75
COLOR: Marine Green
DAY: Saturday
MONTH: July
SONG: "40 Miles from the Sun" ~ Bush
FOOD: Tsao Hu Fen
SEASON: Summer
SPORT: Kung Fu/Tae Kwon Do/Grappling/Hapkido...
DRINK: Coke

PREFERENCES:
CUDDLE OR MAKE OUT: I can't pick both? Make Out.
CHOCOLATE MILK, OR HOT CHOCOLATE: Chocolate Tapioca
MILK, DARK OR WHITE CHOCOLATE: No milk.
VANILLA OR CHOCOLATE: Chocolate
-----------------------------

IN THE LAST 24 HRS, HAVE YOU...
CRIED? Nope
HELPED SOMEONE? Yep
BOUGHT SOMETHING? Nope
GOTTEN SICK? Kinda.
GONE TO THE MOVIES? Nope
GONE OUT FOR DINNER? Nope
SAID "I LOVE YOU"? Nope I've stopped that.
WRITTEN A REAL LETTER: Nope
TALKED TO AN EX? Yep
MISSED AN EX? Yep
WRITTEN IN A JOURNAL? Um yeah?
HAD A SERIOUS TALK? Yep
MISSED SOMEONE? Yep
HUGGED SOMEONE? Yep
FOUGHT WITH YOUR PARENTS? Uh check check and check.
FOUGHT WITH A FRIEND? Not yet
-----------------------------

Would you ever:
1. Eat a bug? WHAT?! Where do you guys come up with this stuff?
2. Bungee jump? Nope.
3. Hang glide? Um sureee... not officially...
4. Kill someone? Wanted to.
5. Kiss someone of the same sex? DUH
6. Have sex with someone of the same sex? D-U-H
7. Parachute from a plane? Nope.
8. Walk on hot coals? Nope.
9. Go out with someone for their looks? Nope.
10. For their reputation? Nope.
11. Be a vegetarian? Wish I could be but I can't.
12. Wear plaid with stripes? Yeah... is that bad?
13. IM a stranger? Yep.
14. Sing Karaoke? Oh god yes. I was drunk. It was awful.
15. Get drunk off your ass? All the time.
16. Shoplift? Yeah.
17. Run a red light? Yep.
18. Star in a porn video? Sorry no. I know you wanted me to but no.
19. Dye your hair blue? Nope.
20. Be on Survivor? Uh... no.
21. Wear makeup in public? Nope.
22. Not wear makeup in public? All the time.
23. Cheat on a test? Kinda.
24. Make someone cry? Yeah...
25. Date someone more than 10 years older than you? Yep.
26. Stay up all night? All the time.

EVER BEEN...
Arrested: Yep.
Hand Cuffed: *cough* Every night.
Scared: I guess.
Depressed: Too often.
In Love: I think so...
Confused: HA! TOO OFTEN.
In a Fight: Again, too often.
Contact Fight: Again, too often.
In Debt: Still again, too often.
Sick: Yep.
In the hospital: Yep.
Insomniac: Always.
On illegal drugs: Drug free. Way to be.
Drunk: I keep having to say this... too often.
High: Nope.
On Tv: Yep.
On Probation: ... of what?
Under House Arrest: Yep.
Grounded: Nope.
Threatened: Yep.
Happy: Not that I know of.
Too busy: Yep.
Hurt: Yep. All the freakin' time.
Ignored: Yep.

EVER FEEL...
Ugly: Always.
Lost: Always.
Forgotten: Always.
Used: Always.
Clueless: Always.
Dumb: Always.
Fat: No.
Helpless: Always.
Ruined: Sometimes...
Pretty: Never.
Loved: Never.
Annoying: Always.

ONE OR THE OTHER
Meat/Veggies: Veggies.
Love/Money: Love.
Family/Career: Career.
Fat/Skinny: Skinny.
Busy/Lazy: Busy.
Car/Bike: Car.
Summer/Winter: Summer.
Beach/Mountain: Beach.
Travel/Work: Work.
Lover/Friend: Friend.
Right/Wrong: Right.
1 Best Friend/100 'friends': 1 Best Friend.

WHAT IF...
You were rich: I'd buy my way out of this life.
You were pregnant: HA then hell is going to freeze over and God is real.
You were robbed: Shove a spork through his eye?
You were deaf: I'd deal.
Any one dream could come true: Die happy.
You had one wish: For life to be easy. For everyone.

Five - Oh... suckheads...

2004-11-15T21:58:38Z

Ugh ask me what I did Saturday. Seriously. Ask me. Go ahead. Yeah you're curious huh? Well I had me a full plate on that day... you see I wake up at six in the morning to get to the High School I got to for ROTC because we have to take a cheese wagon to C.E. King for an ROTC competition. It was ok. It was freezing cold and I stood on my feet for nine hours, but hey, it's all good right? I don't know. I only got to go for the regulation team because I can't show up to enough practices for exhibition which is the flashy stuff not just the marching. The reason I can't go that often is because I only get a bus to the other school once every week. Which by the way, I'm going to have to drop my gifted and talented class for maths because of my hectic schedule. I'm sure you all know that I go to three campuses and that doesn't really do well for your school life.

Anyway, we had a lot of fun, not a lot of food but we got to see John Jay, a military school, kick our asses. It was awful. They had actual M-1s and there was a chick on the team! They threw the M-1s! Dude, I want to flip an M-1. That's just flat out awesome. It was on the busride home that I realized I lost my hoodie. It was an awesome hoodie too and damn expensive. Ugh I felt so damn stupid. Just stupid! It's cold right now and I wish I had it. *sniffle*

Going on... um well we arrived back at around five and I got home around five forty five. But on the way back, Chuck says "Hey everyone let's meet at CiCi's pizza at six to hang out. It'll be fun!" Anyway I get home after that long long ride and I take a quick shower before getting ready and meeting up at CiCi's at around six fifteen. We ate and still had quite a bit of time left so we figure we all go to Kroger's. Fulker and Smith and I hung out around the candy isle (lol) while I see Folley and Chuck throwing crap, like chucking them back and forth between them. They find a football and run outside to play football in the parking lot!

Now we made a bit too much noise and the manager came out and kicked us out of the parking lot. Alex goes "Hey look!" And he points across the street to this UNCUT FIELD OF GRASS. Now we all suddenly have this bright idea to play tackle football in this UNCUT FIELD OF GRASS and you know, run around in this UNCUT FIELD OF GRASS. So we play around before Chuck and Rocky get in this wrestling type fight over god knows what and it looks like we're beating the hell out of Rocky to anyone passing by... ok so a few minutes passed before Mendovar starts up running at us, he's still on the phone but he is PANICKED, like he's hella SPOOKED. He's screaming at us "5-0 5-0! Run!" and he's hualin' it like a madman so what do we do? We SCRAMBLE. Everyone goes every which way trying to get outta there ASAP. I think there were two patrol cars flashin' their lights from what I saw.

I caught up with Merka and then finally Lopez and Mendovar. After that we found Ortega. We all called everyone trying to regroup. Man it was insane. I could see their flashlights and everything. It was madness. Absolute madness. They were after us and man... like craziness. lol Most memorable quote of the night was by Milligan... "Niggah what the fuck you thinkin' screamin' to a black man 'bout the PO-lice?" Yeah entertaining huh?

Anyway I have to drop GT that's all that's really new. I'm not going to be gifted nor talented anymore. Damn... oh yeah and six month anniversary! Top that, Nath. lol I've given up the player ways unlike some of us.

And it's been a while...

2004-11-06T04:52:31Z

And it's been a while,
Since I could... look at myself straight.
And it's been a while,
But I can still remember just the way you taste.

Well it's been about a month since I've actually posted. I finally got my provisional license. It's about time huh? Only what, three months late? It's ok though. I'm content in actually having it. Exchanging my old piece of paper for a new piece of paper. Isn't that the American concept? Tomorrow I have to go check out the supercenter next to Langham Creek because they have a new pizza place opening up and I need a job. Desparately. Especially since my insurance rates are going pop/burst after the driver's license deal. Fun stuff huh? Yeah tell me about it.

I want to cry because Bush is here for another four years. I don't know if I can make it. I'm trying to stick it out so that I can vote for the Hilary Clinton/Barack Obama campaign in '08. No, I don't know if that's actually going to happen (Obama and Clinton campaigning together), but I really want to see it happen. Obama is a very politically savvy guy and he would be great as president or vice president. In case none of you know who he is, he's a moderate democrat who recently received a seat in Senate from Illinois. Hilary Clinton? Well... we all know that she was the real brains in the Clinton administration.

A few days ago, I went to China Cafe with Emily and Brooks. It was fun stuff because it was laid back as versus insane amounts of laughter going around. I don't like the constant bouts of joke this and joke that. With Brooks and Emily it was a lot more laid back. I'm pretty happy with that. Right now all the band are at the Costume Party. I'm just waiting for some of them to get home. I want to see if Emily wants to go to the movies with me on Sunday. I was thinking about watching The Incredibles or Team America. Joekle says it's a good movie. I'll take her word for it.

Lately... hm lately I went rock climbing and Xiao SiFu was thinking about putting me on demonstration. I don't like performing... there's this nice lady that keeps saying I should. I don't want to be like 'No you're wrong. I shouldn't. I suck' or something like that. Tomorrow I'm going to Shaolin and I'm hoping to pick a new weapon because the chain whip really... hurts. I have like welts on my back because of it. Pain! I don't really know what else is new. A lot of things have happened but I can't think of anything. Yargh. My brain's all... mushed. I can't think at all. My mother's watching Law & Order: SVU. My sister and I watch old people shows. I watch JAG... that's such an old person show. Le sigh. I'm going to go and ignore Katie who is, by the way, hooking up with Rolando again. Rolando mind you was my friend for a while before we just grew apart. He's my sister's friend's brother. It just happened to work out that way. They dated... I really hate Katie right now. I think she can go... "do not nice things to herself"

Dude, I don't know if Nath is reading this but she's really hot. lol. I was just on her LJ. (Yeah I finally got around to it). I'm thoroughly entertained with the eye candy. Thank you, Nath.

Four Days, Late Nights

2004-10-09T07:56:59Z

Today was an interesting day I suppose. It was rather uneventful except for the few blow ups among my sister, my mother, and I. I guess that's just flat out expected right? What else is new? We always fight. Our family isn't the two point five children, station wagon, white pickett fence, made of American dreams type... I'm sure no one has that kind of family. That's like reaching a norm or reaching perfection. Unattainable. Is that what makes things attractive? Availability or the lack of it? Maybe... That's pretty sad if it is though.

I've been looking up information about the United States Naval Academy in Annapolis, Maryland and about The Citadel in Charleston, South Carolina. The Citadel is a military college, but it doesn't require you to join the military after. The Naval Academy pulls you in on a five year contract after you've finished school. The perks of that however is that you're gauranteed a job and atop that, your tuition, board, housing, and food are all paid for. Atop that they even pay you seven hundred dollars a month in commission money. The Citadel has less attachments with the same type of prestige, but I'm afraid I won't get a job right out the gate. Also nothing's paid for at The Citadel so I don't know... it doesn't really seem worth it does it?

Another factor in this... I want to join the United States Marine Corps. I would do better going to the Naval Academy and I'm sure both are hard to get into. Somehow I feel that The Citadel is more lax in their selectiveness, but I don't know why. Then again I have my doubts about going into the USMC... there's that Don't Ask Don't Tell policy that's been screwing me over. I know if George gets elected the DADT policy will stick and gays will be forever doomed. Kerry is an unknown on this one so I want to take my chances. I'm teetering on the pros and cons of the situation. I don't know what I want... I need to check that one out. I want to be an officer in the Marine Corps, but I don't want to be stuck there if I suddenly don't feel comfortable serving...

I saw the coolest music video on Revolution a little while ago. It's called Angel by Shin Hwa. You see this cop that's schizo and thinks he has a partner but he's actually alone. It's really great I don't know how else to describe it. Anyways, I had big plans tomorrow, but they've been sloshed by Katie and I'm sure Joelle's happy to hear that. She though I was going to cheat on Eden with Katie. What do you guys take me for? In the end my conscience will rule through. There's nothing I can do about that one. I do have morals you know. Also I'm thinking about doing something on Monday. It is after all a four day weekend. The choice as to Colleges are still in the air. I guess I'll have to see how this semester goes with my PSAT and SAT... my grades are down the gutter.

Oh and in ROTC, our field trip was cancelled because only forty four people qualified to go. The qualifications weren't that hard. Pass classes and not get suspended/expelled/written up. This is the first six weeks too! And out of one hundred and ninety seven people only forty four could go! I was one of them thankfully but I feel oddly gipped by how the people who don't work hold the people who do back. That's not to say I work, but I tried you know? And efforts paid off skimming me into passing... Now I can't go...

Right so tomorrow's schedule... I have to get up at around six to set everything in place. I have to shower and then go to the car wash from eight to eleven thirty. From there I pick up lunch, sopping wet mind you, and haul ass to the Junior Achievement meeting I have to attend, that's from one to two then I rush my way over to Shaolin which is from two to four and I might... might might go to Derek's homecoming party. It's actually an anti-homecoming I was going to go with Katie to but she bailed on me or attempted to and I told her off and basically screamed at her to fuck off. If I wasn't any sense of a priority to her, then I shouldn't be in her life at all right? That's not too much to ask to check whether she's busy or not on one day.

Sunday I have to prepare for the PSATs which is next Saturday. That's also the Wings Over Houston show that I can't make it to and also the GSA picnic I'd like to go to.

Also I might be getting a nice car... Toyota RAV4. I've been looking up some information on it too. It's a 1996 four door automatic two wheel drive. It's not that bad with like ninety eight thousand for mileage. Fuel economy's not that bad... I think it's like twenty nine or something miles per gallon. It's pretty impressive seeing as it beats out the Toyota Avalon and that's a sedan. The RAV is an SUV... a small one, but an SUV nonetheless. It's inI'm trying to get it for a range between 3500 and 3900. They're asking for 4500 which is a bad price for an old car you know? Especially an SUV... You shouldn't sell it like it was a sports car.

Right so that's the end of it. I'm going to go read my fan fiction and think about life and why it sucks so bad. G'night.

Long time no post huh?

2004-10-01T01:29:15Z

I know, I know. It's been absolutely forever since I last posted, but it's because school's been really hectic and it's taken a lot out of me. I'm usually too tired to even stand after everything. I'm in a lot of clubs this year... Mondays I'm at Interact Club and then Lit Club, Tuesdays I have Young Democrats of America, Junior Statesmen of America, and Computer Science, Wednesdays I have Rifle Drill Team that I have to leave early for to get to Cy-Springs. Thursdays I have Computer Science Club and Martial Arts Club. Saturdays and Sundays I have Junior Achievement which I'm sharing the position of Vice President of Production for... I'm not happy about that because the person I'm with is peppy and shallow and annoying. At least this is in my opinion. Don't trust me. I tend to hate people for odd things.

Anyways, aside from my busy schedule, I'm sure I talked about my hot ROTC commander. Yeah she had some kind of nervous breakdown to say the least two days ago. I was severely concerned... I don't know why for and don't ask me why, but I just did. I don't know... it made me feel unsettled. She's moving to first period and her assistant is taking commander position. Speaking of the military, I'm thinking about going into the U.S. Naval Academy. It sounds like a great place to go and very prestigious. What my problem is right now is two things: one, the fact that you sign a five year contract after graduating to be in the military, and two, the Don't Ask Don't Tell policy. I hate that. I don't want to keep hiding, but I want to join the Marine Corps. I'm trying to assess which I want more... it's hard... if anyone has help, or experience in this, please tell me... My friend Kennedy suggested the Citadel, but somehow it doesn't have so much appeal... I have this thing against the Army... I don't know what it is, but I don't think that they... I guess it's the media that's been messing them up and drilled into my mind.

I also think that nearing my girlfriend Eden and my's five month anniversary, she's been a bit distant. She... well she got a new job and so she's been really tired lately. I'm trying to use that as justification for what's been going on... she hasn't said a word to me, she's not very affectionate. She's just in another place. She's eighteen and a Sophomore in College. Maybe she and I are just in different places in our lives... obviously that's always happened with the people I've dated, but surprisingly, it hadn't been such a big deal until now. Maybe I just wasn't very involved. Katie's been flippity floppity as usual. Every now and then I'll catch her in a good mood and she's flirting and everything and other times, she just says she wants to be left alone. I guess that's the way it goes. I guess if she feels like she's in a good mood near Homecoming, I'll take her and we'll go. You never know. I still need to pick up my Driver's License though. I also need a new Verification of Enrollment because it's expired. I was supposed to pick up my license a month ago. Whatever happened to that? You see how busy I am?!

Also, I've started Chain Whip at Shaolin. I was bored. He asked me what I wanted. Audi handed me a thing and I was holding it. XiFu was like, oh ok! ... >_> Um how about not? Maybe I could just stick to the safe stuff like staff... or... fist forms... or the mat maybe? Right now I'm watching a Commander in Chief Trophy tournament. It's a football thing among the three academies, West Point, Naval, and Air Force. Right now, Air Force is up against Navy which is ironic because it's a battle between what I'm in and what I want to be in. I hope I can make up my mind soon... until then, I guess I'll disappear on and off like I have been. Oh atop that I got GMail! I don't know what I was thinking when I made my GMail account, but now I know what name I want and it's probably going to be taken. Ugh... Pray for me on that one too.

GMail is awesome.

This Wicked Little Town...

2004-09-13T04:08:25Z

I've gotten a lot of backlash for attempting to start a Gay Straight Alliance at my school... this is what I have to say about homosexuality and gay marriage...

What's taken me so long to develop my own identity as a human being or even so much as look at myself dead on in the eye in the mirror has always been that I've been shielding myself under the facade of normalcy or rather quasi-normalcy. There's nothing more shocking in a suburban setting than a homosexual. There's nowhere more vicious to be, but love isn't a choice. It's not going to the grocery store and picking out your favorite brand. It's not playing a video game and selecting a character. It's who you are and to live under almost a double life of being this normal person, then being yourself is a crying shame. For all those homophobes out in the world that are reading this right now, I'd just like you all to know how miserable you've made me and are making me now. How I can't live a day without looking over my shoulder, or analyzing a wrong look. I'd like you to know that in your pathetic attempts at being devout Christians who should be nonjudgmental and true to your god, you have indeed failed. Don't hide behind paper and ink because of your insecurities. Don't think that a Bible is proper weaponry in this battle because it's not. This is love. Live with it. Allow gay marriage to live in peace because trying to protect straight marriage is demolishing gay relationships, although I'm sure that was your initial intention.

Destruction is the work of a day. Creation is the work of a lifetime. Don't throw and of this bull that gay marriages leads to gay families and their children will be miserable. That could not be any farther from the truth. This world was meant to be lived in. No one can be denied of life and to live is to love. I grew up in a distinctively dysfunctional family inclusive to many immoral acts. A heterosexual marriage and a heterosexual family already has it's spectrum of good and bad. Are you saying a homosexual marriage and family is going to be worse? I'd like to know because honestly, I don't know anything that could be worse than what either me or any of my friends have survived through.

Don't judge a gay engagement, why? Because if you don't think it should happen then you're obviously not doing it yourself. If you're not a part of it, you have no right to talk because you have no idea. You. Have. No. Clue. If you don't know what it's like how can you say it's bad? I realize that could apply to killing or any immoral principle, but you can't say mercy killing is good, but killing in war is bad. It's one, take it or leave it shot. Either it's a yes it's bad or no, it's not. Same with love. You can't say, love is good when you're straight, but you're going to burn in the eternal flames of hell if you're gay. Pick one and stick with it. I'm proud of anyone who's stable enough in their sexuality to be tolerant of the other. Tolerant isn't saying 'I hate them, but I allow them to live.' That's not tolerant. Tolerant is, 'They have nothing to do with me. Period.' I'm glad some people in this world have enough brains to not stick their nose in where it doesn't belong.

For those who think that gay marriage disrupts the sanctity of marriage, I think you all are doing a damn good job of that on your own.

I think that's the end of it. This weekend we went to see "Die Mommie Die" at the Gay and Lesbian film festival. It was great. Atop that, last Wednesday was the first day I had to put on a uniform for AFJROTC. I actually enjoyed it. It suited me... many of my friends are against American armed forces, or armed forces in general. I appreciate people who give me respect about it, but for those who don't understand, let me clarify with another long diatribe.

The Corps are something I love. I may not love the country or anything else in it, but I love the Corps. If you don't understand that, you must not understand what order and stability is like. The only semblance I have and I'm going to grasp on to it and hold on as long as I can. It's what the corps stand for. For so long America has been a symbol of freedom and liberal values almost and yet still they're very conservative. The States are very hypocritical. They don't allow so many things like to gays as aforementioned in above lecture. These freedoms aren't garaunteed to all. These values are shallow, intangible and in the end, false. The Corps, it's different. There's honor involved. There's a specific amount of backing up these principles, fighting for them, dying for them. Honoring those who died before you by fighting for the same cause they fought for keeping what these people fought for safe.

I want to be a Marine. I really do. I don't know if it's going to stay like that, but for now? The Corps are somewhere I think show exactly what America seems to have failed to show. A sense of order and freedom and a determination to fight for it. Soldiers take orders without question, yes. Many people argue that I may be "owned", but at this moment I don't care. At the least I'm "owned" by a respectable entity. That may not always be the case, but for the most part, for the broader expanse of the part, yes. I know the military is shady. I know. I know. I just love the Corps. What they stand for. What people die for. Period.

I'm done. I'll update more... sooner or later. Until then... Fushigi Yuugi is on.

It's always the straight ones.

2004-09-02T03:03:46Z

I've found this out all too late and know it all too well. The grass is always greener on the other side. Why? You always want what you can't have. Why? You can't always get what you want. Why? Yes well I've found this out through my great track in love. I keep coming back for more like some masochistic directionless oddball. Maybe if I got some direction. Problem is life doesn't really give you road signs. I keep falling for the straight ones. My friend was straight and I had this crazy long crush on her. It was more than half a decade, I'll tell you that. Now I'm thinking, 'Hm, my flight commander in ROTC is really a cute and great chick' Hey no! How about you NOT think about that? I can't.

I feel like there's something inside me tugging me one way then the other because I can't make up my mind. I feel like a bisexual. (Especial offense to Marty and Andrew) I should turn asexual or trisexual. Maybe it'll solve all my problems?

Well school isn't going that well. My English teacher takes off about thirty points for late grades and because I leave early, I don't get this information or when it's due. Now my US History? That's down the gutter right there. I don't know what. For some reason what I'm studying isn't what she goes over in her tests. I study the wrong thing for some reason. I find the wrong thing important. Those two classes are AP. I'm hoping this'll get better. I have to pass my classes in order to go to the field trip in San Antonio which is on the twenty-third. It's two days and I want to see an air base. I've never seen one. Maybe it'll move me to go to Air Force instead of Marines. I heard they don't pay that well, but I love the USMC very much.

Republican convention. Ick. I'm not a conservative... Awful people. I don't know. I'm not going into it this post. I'll start updating more often, lol...

"Life goes on"

2004-08-26T03:36:19Z

You ever wake up one morning after sitting on your ass all night arms crossed in bed determined not to conform to time and its inevitable changes? Yeah. That feeling when the revelation dawns on you that life is not going to wait for you. You're not that important. Uh huh. It's an interesting feeling isn't it? It's enlightening and it makes you feel so insignificant versus the six point five billion other people in this world trying to get by as hard as you are. I know this isn't really anything new, but I just had that epiphany renewed and I had to share after all, I haven't talked on here in so long, some people thought I was dead. Which I'm really not *coughcough-mutterTAYLERgrumble*... The world is filled with self indulgent dimwits and I'm not an exception. Chances are neither are you.

I got my schedule change today and three of my classes are now off campus. Yay? Well it'll be easier and I won't miss so much class so hopefully I'll get things done better. Tomorrow is Science of Flight class... that's our schedule in AFJROTC. We have actual class (academic) on Tuesdays and Thursdays, leadership on Mondays, drill and ceremonies on Wednesdays and physical training (PT) on Fridays. PT starts on September 3rd. It's going to be easy and I can't wait to show up those kids. There are three other kids at my school that go to CS for ROTC. They're really... two faced. I seem to be a magnet for two faced friends... they do crap like leave without me and tell the bus driver I'm not there or they don't tell me there's ROTC assignments if I missed it or something. I must just be paranoid and they're just annoying or whatever... doesn't really matter anymore. Friends have really lost their importance to me now. I don't know. No one realy wants to be my friend and I think I made it that way because I don't really want friends unconsciously speaking...

I miss being alone sometimes. Because god knows if I can't handle my own shit? Yeah god have mercy on anyone that has to deal with me. Well atop all of that I'm not doing so well in APUSH. I should have paid more attention. I'm doing well in all other classes and I'm more organized this year, but APUSH is insane for me right now. I really might have to drop. Interact Club is next Monday after school, so my after school schedule is like jam packed. Mondays I'll have Interact, Tuesdays I'll have Computer Science club which I didn't get officer for... argh. Wednesday I plan on going to Lit Club, Thursdays second semester I'll have Martial Arts club, and I still want to join the Drill Team in ROTC meaning I'll have to drive my ass down there after school everyday which is going to be hella hard for one if I have all these clubs to go to. I don't know how I'm going to do it. If anyone has any ideas, I'm really open to them.

Hero's coming out in theaters here Friday. I'm pretty sure it's going to be dubbed knowing American people... anyways, that's something I'm going to watch to support Jet Li. I also want to see Warriors on Heaven and Earth. That looks really good... By the way, my Computer Science teacher needs to stop saying "Let's crank some code, kids." It's really getting annoying. This should basically be it. I have to join Chinese Youth Society this Saturday after Shaolin and I have to still go to SAT classes and atop that I'm officer in Junior Achievement. I share the same position as someone I really really really don't like. I'm VP of Productions and that's not going to be fun because it requires me to be social... ick... social... G'night kids. I'm off to see my beautiful lovely girlfriend whom I'm still dating and have been dating for three months now! I'm serious though... g'night... and the meaning to life can be summed up in three words in honor of Robert Frost... It goes on. So for everyone out there? Life goes on. Deal with it.

Oops...

2004-08-20T03:21:30Z

I really need to remember to update every now and then. lol The only reason I remember is because someone commented and they e-mailed the reply to me. I was like oh yeah! I have a journal I can rant into. Well the days have been long because of my schedule and there's one thing to say about my Computer Science teacher, but that'll come later.

I got kicked off the band practice marching field today. Big Mac the band director tried to kick me out because I quit and he said I wasn't authorized to be there anymore. "You're not allowed to be around the band members anymore." I really want to see him stop me. I'm glad a lot of band members gave me praise even for doing that. Also my computer science teacher enjoys the phrase "Let's Crank Some Code, Kids." Ever had a teacher that just had to use some word sentence or phrase? It's really upsetting to hear that over and over again like a broken record. Or if they talk with their teeth clenched or something like that. Or twitch... or have ticks... or gah long list. I'm going to crank a fist into his face the next time he says that, lol. He really doesn't like me and I think it's because I'm a girl. I don't have any basis for that because I'm the only girl, but well we're making a video game on Java (the LC kids) and it's going to be a great way to spite him. Going on...

What else is new... well Angel finally talked to me. You remember Angel. Yeah so do I how could I forget? Well going on, my ROTC senior officer is really really cute. She's a sophomore but this is her second year in ROTC. Like I said... really cute. I really don't have anything important to say just a basic update on school and things aren't really all that bad right now. I'll tell you when they get there, lol.

Let's crank some code, kids!

Double Post

2004-08-14T11:19:58Z

I have two things to mention in this post. One involves how my school's been and one involves... other things in my life. I'm going to start with the easy stuff. School. Not exactly the regular definition of easy and by no means is it a walk in the park especially now, but things are coming to light. Many of them. I have about 15 - 25 minutes of third period because of my bussing to ROTC then having to leave early to bus to Computer Science. I think it's been aforementioned already. I'm saying this to mention that it's now the maximum I can get of class time - 25 minutes. I need to talk to Herlinger about what to do with tests and labs. Maybe I could make them up but he's not very enthusiastic about having to stay after school. He's one of those lazy teachers.

Computer Science is going decently well. Marty's been upsetting me. Everything seems to go fine then he does something or says something that is completely chauvinistic and he's been this way since he's dated Holly. I don't want to say anything, so I tend to just get distant and try to cool off. I suppose that's what people are doing with me too. Only person that seems to voluntarily stay near me is Eden and she can't do that very often. Anyways, I'm learning quite a bit from ROTC already aside from the fact that we have seven textbooks in that class alone. They've been teaching about preparation. Not boy scout or anything, but it's about direction. There's an atmosphere in that class that just reminds me of martial arts training centers. Any that I've been at.

What I'm trying to say is this: When you know what you want, don't let anything or anyone stop you from getting it. I'm thankful about quitting band. I see through the ridicule and see them as smaller people for only have been friends with me because I was in the band and their superiors forced them into making nice with me. However, I'm thankful for the few genuine friendships I've found there and fun times through all the hectic stress and pressure in the two years I've been apart of the Marching Band. I'll miss it and I won't at the same time. If I knew about all of this before freshman year, would I quit? Actually I would. I'd join ROTC instead. This is exactly what I mean. If you know better, make a change as soon as you can. Make a change now. Don't stay for any reason other than for yourself. Do what makes you happy at whatever cost because in the end if you don't, you're the one at expense.

Another thing: I realize now that certain people only show certain faces to you and I see that now. I see that people aren't always going to be precisely how you perceive them. Furthermore, they're probably going to be the opposite of how you see them. Be ready to change opinions of people. Things change. People change. Situations change. Change is the only constant in life and with that on a personal level, it's getting very hard to accept that some people weren't who I thought they were. A letdown, yes, but all the more enlightening. I'm learning not to jump to conclusions anymore. That'll get you in a big big mess. I see that now. Somethings in this world... are truly... truly very surprising.

The Return of Gen

2004-08-12T04:01:42Z

I thought I was ready. I really did. I could have sworn that I was. Everything seemed to be going so well on that front... a small front that's actually good. I unblocked Gen and returned her back on to my buddy list. Checked her profile out... she's in love. I commend her. I really do. It just hurts y'know? I saw that and my heart slammed into the ground. I did love her and part of me still lives on that love. I don't know what other love there is. Heh. Anyways, it's just hard and somehow I don't think I'll ever be prepared to face her again. It's going to hurt going into JROTC tomorrow. It's going to remind me of her and another part of me is just going to drop off the face of this planet.

I guess what I'm really trying to say is however prepared you are, you'll never be 100% prepared. Something's just going to blindside you. You think you're ready... you never will be. No matter what. Is facing someone who broke your heart something to prepare yourself for or just brace yourself for? Is it really something you should go back into? Dig up old scars? It's hard to let go isn't it... maybe too hard. Too painfully hard. Is it really worth going back? I mean, will you ever be as strong as you were before they shattered you? That's probably my question in this whole babblefest. Is it worth it?

I'm starting to think all relationships end in inevitable doom. Just plain doom. No matter what, there's always an end. There's always something that breaks another thing in half. I'm just probably being a little depress-y with the whole Gen thing. I'll shut up. I promise.

I hate everything about you. Why do I love you?

So first day of school was today. It was... interesting... Not thinking about Gen. I'm really not... I promise. Erm, well ok I went to Grabstald's class and she was fairly boring. It was probably because it was too early in the morning and I've been sleep deprived as always. Next I saw Mr. Herlinger. It was also interesting. He had squeaky shoes and a big bushy beard which I thought made him look like one of those mountaineer hitchhikers. He had the glasses to match too. He was pretty boring because he tends to drone. After Physics, I went to band and had a talk with McAdow. He didn't even ask. He just asked me how my summer was. I thought that was great.

Now the buses don't run the first day, so we hung out at the AP's office fourth period and all that good stuff, but I took that time to straighten out my schedule and get myself into ROTC. Wish me luck there. It should be tough... and... painful... in more ways that one. Not thinking about Gen, nope. So after that Kenny and I have the same fifth and six as well as Computer Science. I walked with him to U.S. History with Robinson who at the least didn't put me to sleep. At the very end, I wasn't sure if I had the same class with Kenny or not. Turns out I did as well as with Landini, Mommy (Ramey), Whitney and quite a few other people I was well acquainted with. All's well, right?

I crashed out on the couch after until TestMasters started. Yes, Joelle, I called Angel. You can kill me now. I know. I'm just really asking for this pain thing aren't I? I'm hoping everyone knows the whole deal with both Gen and Angel. Now, TestMasters wasn't that bad because they were teaching writing today and I'm decent at that. Decent enough to just sit and listen to music and get a good grade and everything. I just don't like Roger the Critical Reading teacher. I think he's scared of me... he was afraid to call on me the entire time for one reason or another. Anyways, that was my day and I'm not thinking about Gen.

Irk... Gay Leeway

2004-08-07T13:06:16Z

There's been a slowly evident issue that's been bothering me about society and I thought I'd bring it up here because most people won't listen to this. I might as well sit this post here and have it pretend to be listened to, right? What's been irking me is this gay issue. There's a lot of gay issues out there, but this one seems to be left unaddressed a lot because it doesn't have to do with the entire GLBT community necessarily, but it does have things to do with either one or the other in there.

I was in an AOL chatroom the other day and there was a guy who made a snide comment about gays. He was putting down another gay guy in the room because he was gay. I said well I'm gay. The guy started coming after me and saying I was a faggot. I corrected him saying that I technically would be a dyke. Suddenly it was OK for me to be gay because being a girl and being gay is "cool". If you claim not to be homophobe, then accept both ends of the spectrum. It can't be just that gay girls are cool and gay guys are disgusting. That's worse than hating both of them at least you're decisive about it. Learn to accept the whole situation if you're ok with one side. It doesn't really make much sense if you hate gay men and not gay women. There isn't a difference. They both have an attraction to the same sex. So either like them both or not at all.

I'm also going to address people who think gay guys are ok but girls aren't. This is rare, but it's still a topic to discuss. You can't say gay guys are good and hang around with them and then when a lesbian rolls around, you think they're disgusting and rude and completely butch. That's looking straight at the stereotype. If you think gay guys are ok then don't hate lesbians because they make bad comments or have a different point of view. This is for people who think they're accepting of both when in truth they're being especially hard on lesbians or gays. Gay people don't hate straight men and like straight women or hate straight women and like straight men. This doesn't happen, so why is the GLBT community subject to something like this?

For the people who spend their time cutting one side of the GLBT community slack and thinking they're cool for being so hot or so understanding of the opposite gender or anything like that and then giving the other end an especially hard time or being especially judgmental for whatever reason it may be, I'd like to say that that's very childish and immature. Atop that I don't think that it's very fair. Like I mentioned before: Either like one or none at all. Some people need to realize this and I'm hoping that these ignorant people either read this and get mad because they need to learn, or read this and see my point in this. I'm not saying 'Omg I've been converted. I've been enlightened by the word of Maxi' I'm just saying I want them to say 'The girl's got a point'.

There are things I need to learn, obviously, but I don't hate one gender of any orientation for their gender or sexuality specifically and I'm hoping at least one person will try not to after reading my rant.

I'm a Fuckass

2004-08-05T11:59:02Z

I found something in an old pile of supposed junk mail today that was very enlightening. I'm apparently a dumbass. Sifting through, I just saw something reading AP in big black bolded letters. Hm what could this be I think to myself. Oh my, could this be my Comp Sci 1 AP test results? Why yes it could. What do I get? A bad FUCKING BAD grade. I am THE dumbest girl in the world. I don't even remember taking the damn test!

On a side note and this isn't as bad or self berating as the previous paragraph but OMFGWTFHBBQ? When the hell did L'Arc~En~Ciel play? Last week as it's been blatantly broadcasted, in Baltimore, Maryland at Otakon. Why didn't I know about this? At the least I could have asked someone to go for me and... I don't know. I would've figured something out, dammit.

I'm just going to type out Donnie Darko in my fucking FRUSTRATIONS for how STUPID I am. I don't think it's HUMANLY possible for me to get a WORSE grade on my FUCKING AP TEST.

Rose: Excuse me?
Elizabeth: Donnie, you're such a dick.
Donnie: Whoa, Elizabeth! A little hostile there. Maybe you should be the one in therapy. Then Mom and Dad can pay someone $200 an hour to listen to all your thoughts, so we don't have to!
Elizabeth: Ok, you want to tell Mom and Dad why you stopped taking your medication?
Donnie: You're such a fuckass!
Elizabeth: What?!
Rose: Please.
Elizabeth: Did you just call me a-a "fuckass"?
Rose: Elizabeth, that's enough.
Elizabeth: You can go suck a fuck!
Donnie: Oh please tell me, Elizabeth, how exactly does one suck a fuck?
Elizabeth: You want me to tell you?
Donnie: Please, tell me.
Rose: We will not have this at the dinner table.
Donnie: *mouths* I'm all ears.
Rose: Stop!
Elizabeth: Fuck.
Sam: What's a fuckass?

EXCUSE ME I NEED TO GO CAPS AWAY STOMPING FUMING ABOUT MY DAMN AP TEST.

And I ran

2004-08-05T03:23:41Z

And I rannn I ran so far awayyy.
I couldn't get away.

So I went to Band camp and it was pretty cool. The flute section won the band contest so they were going to get pizza. I think Montes's boyfriend was supposed to get it, but he got in a car accident. I hope he's ok. Anyways, Camille went to get the pizzas while I stayed outside with the rest of the band. It was fun. I got to catch up on a lot of people's lives and summer and everything. Apparently my mom and Chris are still dating. I couldn't find them because they eat lunch alone in some secluded area. Deniz seemed pretty ticked about that. She was complaining about how the two of them needed to be alone to do stuff all the time and how much stuff did two people really need to do? I guess that's true because Laura and Andrew were with the group.

Patricia apparently is still in band even though people kept saying she quit and she didn't show up for the first band camp. Who knows. Felicity's not there anymore and neither is Kennedy which I'm so proud of her for. See the pride? See the gleaming? Gleam. She quit band and it seemed pretty abrupt, but she and I both talked about how we didn't belong there.

Zain started talking to me and was trying to talk politics with me. This is hilarious for the sheer fact that he says he's extremely liberal and thus voting for Bush. Riiight. He wants to vote for Nadar so he can smoke pot legally. Chris and I have both told him that Nadar is only there to syphon votes from Kerry. He's just a republican ploy. Don't you guys see the conspiracy? Conspiracy I say. Zain is such an easy target especially now that he's trying to get political. Trying is very much so the operative word in this paragraph of the post.

I think I might continue talking to him because making him feel like an idiot is very much so fun. I need to smack Marty for giving Zain my screen name though because he really needs to learn that giving out secrets or phone numbers or anything of the sort is worth an ass whooping. He's one of the people in the world that are broadcasting my sexuality as well as my screen names to people I don't want to know and it's pissing me off. He doesn't call me and doesn't IM me anymore because he's too busy with Holly and now he's giving my contacts out like free samples? Yeah needless to say he's in some big trouble when we end up in the same fourth period together. Oh and my schedule...

Period Class Teacher
One English AP Grabstald
Two ROTC (Cy-Springs)
Three Physics K Herlinger
Four Comp. Sci. (Cy-Falls)
Five Wd. Hist. Robinson
Six Pre-Cal Moore

Grudges...

2004-08-04T05:31:55Z

Live in the now... because life goes on, right? I'm going to go to band camp tomorrow and saying hi to the people I haven't seen and haven't been in the lives of in a while... I've made peace with the most of them except for Tara who has been pretty much backstabbing for the past six years of knowing her. I can't hold a grudge anymore. I don't want to.

This is just something I have to say to everyone who's holding a grudge still. I don't hold anything against Zain anymore. I don't hold much of anything against anyone. What I do hate about things is that with these grudges, there's no sorry or apologies. I hate that. If you're not mature enough to get over a grudge then that's too bad for you. If you're not man enough to apologize then that's too bad for you. Because I'm pretty sure the person on the other end of that grudge probably feels just as bad as you do if you have any compassion at all. Are you going to look back on your life and regret something like that? Hating someone you shouldn't have? Hating someone you could've been good friends with?

When you go to sleep at night please give this some thought... how much time are you wasting hating someone? How much energy could you be spending on something so much more productive? So I'm going to school tomorrow at around noon and I'm going to hand out donuts or something... even to Tara. Because she can do all this crap to me, but I'm not going to let it bother me anymore because I'm tired of using all this energy to hate her back when I could be studying or working or anything. For the people who are still holding grudges against me, I'd like to say a few things.

For one thing, that's pretty immature that you're still holding something against me and if I don't know about it, then you should have the courage to bring it up to me. For another, get over it. Confront me so we can talk about it, or just move the hell on. If you don't want to be friends with someone like me don't blame it on a grudge. Blame it on me. Hate me not what I did.

And about the music? Don't ask...

Bushwacking

2004-08-04T02:05:20Z

Nix the lesson post for today. I'm just a little too tired to do anything like that tonight. I don't know exactly what I'm going to write about. I figure I start typing and keep going from there. Now to start off is my frustrations against the Bush administration and if that buffoon gets re-elected, I will shoot myself. Either that or I'm moving out of the country because I can't stand that man. He has no business running our country and running it into the ground mind you.

I've said this time and time again and I will say it one more time. Kerry is the lesser of two evils. Why? Because of the fact that Kerry actually served in the miliatry. I know that's overplayed in his campaign and it's a generally "anti-Bush" campaign, but can you blame him? It's the easiest way to go. Bush does a good job of screwing himself over anyway, right? We're in a 55 billion dollar economic deficit right now. We are losing jobs left and right because of outsourcing, Bush has yet to veto a single spending bill, and this was a mere four years after a 5 billion dollar surplus. This guy sure knows how to spend, huh? Let's take this one at a time before I continue... Outsourcing I have mixed feelings about because it's helping other countries, and yet at our expense. Spending bills, well let's see about this one, exporting is low and importing is high. This helps everyone right? Wrong. Do we want to get into the fact that he's easing taxes on the rich? Probably because of all the money he earned during his four terms makes him extremely right and he's softening the blow for himself.

What more do I have to say? I feel that Bush is a dimwit that couldn't put on his pants on his own to save his life. I don't know what brought this up, I just thought about it and figured I'd post a cent or two of the many reasons Bush shouldn't be re-elected. Oh and Zain IMed me today asking if I was holding a grudge against him. I told him the truth, no, I felt nothing towards him whatsoever. I'm hoping that'll drive him away. I think I should call Joelle now and talk to her about a few things and also watch "Who's Line is it Anyway?" I'm really tired and I think I'm just going to calm my damn self down after all this great Bush talk.

Orientation... "That's Gay"

2004-08-03T05:29:43Z

I went to Orientation today and tried to get my schedule and everything straightened out and for all of you who don't know, I'm trying to get into JROTC which is in Cy-Springs meaning I'll get bussed there and back. I also have to take Computer Science independant study over at Cy-Falls. That's three schools if you haven't followed. I'm hoping Cy-Springs will still take me because I didn't realize I needed to register for anything. I'm expecting a call tomorrow afternoon-ish and hopefully I'll get an OK from the officials at Springs and they'll let me in. Hopefully, right? Ok so I think there's something I need to address...

The term or phrase, "That's Gay". Have you ever taken any serious thought to it? Where did that come from? It's such a unconscious phrase now that just comes out when you think something is dumb or not so right, but have you thought about saying gay in this day and age in reference to right or not right is politically incorrect? All I ask is for people to watch what they say. When you say "That's Gay" please catch yourself. You're saying something is dumb and comparing it with gay or homosexuality whether you mean it in that context or not. It's going to be taken that way by someone at some point some day. I had a friend the other day that told me "Stop being Gay" and it just struck me as odd. Why does gay have to be the negative word here? How many people are you hurting by saying that because it hurt me.

I understand how words can be taken down a few pegs in meaning just because I've heard the term "I love you" get tossed around like free candy. It's not a word you should throw about. It's not something you should say until you mean it with your entire whole heart. If you can say "I love you" to more people than you can count on your fingers, then you're either extremely lucky or extremely diluded. How often did people in the past say or use the term love? It had value. It's like money now. More money on the market the lower the price. Well think about it for a moment, just think about it for one second: if you're saying I love you to everyone then when you truly do love someone, don't you feel gipped out of it? Don't you feel just a bit ticked that there's no word to express what you feel? Because love is so worn down? In Japanese there are so many levels of I love you and in Chinese you just don't say it loosely. The American language takes so many words into slang that it's almost abusing the language itself. Even the French have "Je t'aime" and "J'adore".

I just want people reading this to think about it for a second. Think twice when you say something is something in a negative way. Think twice when you say "I love you" half heartedly because these things you can't take back. You can apologize, but they'll be there in memories forever. I'm coming back for something about self abuse and pain in the next update so don't read it if you think my belief to that is dumb.

Back. Ow Sore.

2004-08-01T04:34:59Z

My neck has so many cranks in it that you could wind me up like a finely tuned clock. I got back from my day out today and boy let me tell you it was certainly eventful. First of all I'll tell you I didn't sleep and spent most my time on FanForum posting the most erroneous things. lol I'm sure you would've smacked me so many times for that, Joelle. I managed to move my lazy self out this computer chair and get changed for Shaolin. SiFu wasn't there because everyone went out to San Antonio for competition. Everyone, I hope you kicked major ass especially a specific girl who wouldn't stop complaining about her hurt thumb. I'm waiting to tell you I told you so. I told you you'd kick ass. I know you will.

I guess I've been pretty shabby since I think I pulled something and I'm still incredibly sore. It's seriously been a while. It shows too. James Bond was there as well as Audie Baba. Basically we just dicked around most of the time. After that, I dragged Joelle out with me to Lollicup. She took a while so by the time she showed up I was done with my beef noodle soup, and everyone knows how slow I eat. You've seen my Nabeyaki at Hokkaido. I eat like a snail. She came and ordered a Thai Tapioca and slurped it down faster than me. I'd been working on my Chocolate Tapioca for about an hour now. Just for future reference, Lollicup's Chocolate Tapioca's starting to taste worse and worse lately. Last time they forgot the milk and by the time my mom got home we didn't want to go back so I had to add the milk myself. No biggie, just it started tasting weird because I think the milk was bad.

Now after that, Joelle and I killed some time just rolling dice. We're really getting into this dice system. It's getting to the point that we're thinking about finding some dice games to play with my two d20s or something. It's a bit dorky slash pathetic, lol. So after that, we went to West Oaks Mall. It's such a small mall. I don't remember it being that small. Maybe other malls are getting bigger? Like Memorial. Well we just hang out around there for a while and walk aimlessly and talk and talk and talk. A little while after we get bored again.

On to a new adventure! We go to Barnes & Nobles. Mother dearest didn't know there was one right next door. She kept telling me there wasn't one and when we saw it, I called her and all she said was "oh yeah!" Blah. Joelle and I read comic books and D&D/RPG stuff the rest of the time. It killed quite a few hours. She got into the Electra comics that were there and I read Uncanny X-Men: She lies with Angels. I liked it a lot. I read a few other things that weren't so good. I liked that one though. It was interesting and ended in a good way. The scenes were funny and the art was good. At around nine p.m. we got tired of reading and me molesting her so we went to Best Buy just next door. We just looked at stuff and talked some more. Talking's pretty good you know.

Joelle and I have a new saying: Let's roll on it. Dice will now control our lives because you know what? We can't decide for ourselves. We're so much in the kind of mindset of "I don't know what do you want to do?". Joelle was considering running her life on a Magic 8 Ball for a while. Brooks called and wanted to do something tomorrow. I haven't slept in 48 hours and I'm dead on my feet. I'm fatigued and all my muscles have knotted up. I'm either going to bed or reading Buffy/Faith fan fiction. Tomorrow morning afternoonish I have to go to Derek's to finish up another quest for D&D. I don't know. I don't like the format he's playing in. I like the one Chris and I are developing which reminds me to go chart some more maps. I also want a character profile drawn of my monk. I have so many things to do and my drawing hand's already crying in anticipation.

After D&D we're going to go to China Cafe probably. Same old routine. Same thing over and over. It gets tiring sometimes but I miss Derek and Brooks and I haven't seen them in a while. It'll be good to see them again especially since Band camp's been starting up. Anna keeps filling me in on all the fun stuff happening at camp. Katie, not so much. I don't know. It's that band isolation I guess, but Anna's still cool so that's good. Lobo Express is on Monday meaning I'll have to haul myself up there in the afternoon (haha Seniors have to get up there at 8:30) and turn in all these things and take my yearbook picture. Yay? Well I'm going to do one of the two things I planned so I'll come back later with some report or another. Maybe a D&D report. I feel blabby today...